My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize