I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
