my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
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You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
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I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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