I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
