this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
