if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
