you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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