Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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