She is in my trunk
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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