I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
