Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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