Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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