Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
