I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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