my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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