Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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