allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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