I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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