so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
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If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
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Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize