Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the day after is always just damage control
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
