My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
