woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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