Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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