On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
