at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
