the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
