We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
