wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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