i think my mom watched the whole time
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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