Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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