I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
