my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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