I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
