My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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