The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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