I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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