Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
