Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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