in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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