I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
