I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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