I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
