careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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