I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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