I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
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i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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