Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
