Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?