I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
