You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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