i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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