I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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