Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
