I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
