i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think my moral compass just broke
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
