worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
